I remember you weren’t supportive.
I remember you would shake your head in silent disapproval always letting me feel that there was something more or something else I should do but never giving me enough clues to figure it out for myself.
I remember when you first started saying “I love you” again as if it was medicine the therapist shoved down your throat to help you become healthy.
I remember you storming across the living room carpet screaming, “I’m going to fight for the kids” when all you ended up with was your electronic equipment and your BMW and your money.
I remember reading your letter with tears streaming down my face. You said you were shocked I felt I couldn’t talk to you about anything. You said you cared. You said you loved me.
I remember the funny way you’d swing your hips and strut across the living room whenever I’d be listening to music with friends.
I remember asking you for help.
I remember hating my mother. I remember hating my brother. I don’t remember how I felt about you.
I remember strained conversations.
I remember movies and dinner once every two weeks.
I remember getting $100 when you won big on poker night.
I remember poker night being every night.
I remember riding all the thrill roller coaster rides with you by my side and the day I was old enough to be scared.
I remember your laughter.
I remember never having anything to say to you.
I remember learning the rules of blackjack.
I remember being in your debt.
I remember hearing about your new adoptive Russian son and erupting in tears.
I remember being dragged to church every Sunday unless I managed to make you believe I was too ill to walk.
I remember when you left me alone on the streets of New York City and I felt I could finally breathe again.
I remember being elated when you took me to my first play at the Fox Theatre.
I remember being thrown onto ski instructors on our yearly trip to Colorado.
I remember visiting a small jewelry shop on the streets of West Germany. You bought me a thin silver bracelet found in a wire basket full of trinkets inscribed with the words “Ich liebe Dich” on the heart-shaped clasp.
I remember blurry images of Disney World and Mickey Mouse.
I remember sleeping on the floor by your bed when I was too scared of shadows in my room.
I remember silence.